Broken. That word has so many meanings even Webster can’t
seem to condense it into one thought.
Webster defines broken many way…here are a few: to be disrupted by
change; violently separated into parts; altered by breaking…but right now
brokenness can be summed up in one word: life!
Some of you read that and immediately thought, “What is
Ashley going thru, what’s wrong with her?” Let me ease your worries and say brokenness
is something I have eagerly awaited. Yes it’s painfully violent, but we must be
broken in order to be rebuilt.
When I was in Africa back in October of last year I went
with my own mindsets, belief systems, all my qualifications and ‘Christianese’
ready to show them how skilled I was…..and all that came crashing down when
Papa God showed me how little I knew and how immature I was. He tore me
down…quoting Miley Cyrus…He came in like wrecking ball and completely
demolished my little spiritual world. He killed everything I knew of myself….He
completely devoured what I thought was my identity and since that time I have
been fluid in His hands.
He’s constantly moving me and pouring me in and out so I
won’t grow stagnant but He isn’t finished yet and there is another level of
breaking and demolishing that needs to take place because instead of allowing
myself to stay as fluid and stay moldable, out of familiarity and old habits
I’ve begun to build myself walls….a house to pour myself into…one made of man
made ideals, my own finite beliefs and here he is like the loving wrecking ball
that He is to tear it down once again; and this time I lay down at His feet as
a simple pile of rubble because I know that everything I thought I knew and
everything I thought I was…..isn’t.
It’s time for me to be rebuilt by His plans, His way and in
His timing. I can’t rush it and I can’t hinder it. Now is the time, so with a
trembling voice I welcome demolition and brokenness. I invite pain….pain from
killing those things I’ve perceived about Papa God. I invite brokenness.. Papa
come and violently separate all my religious mindsets, disrupt my conditional
love towards others, alter me Papa. Break me down, demolish me, and devour me
so I can be rebuilt by your process.
Brokenness should not be rebuked it should be welcomed.
Papa
destroy life as I know it. Every mindset, every ideal, every thought
pattern….disrupt it. Alter it. Rebuild it. Unlearn me. Unwind me. Untie me.
Pull me on every side until I unravel because I’m holding myself together for
what?!?! “Having it all together” is only a façade…a sign of immaturity and
insecurity.
Papa….tear it all down….with your great love come in and wreck me.
With your sticks of dynamite labeled “Love” demolish me. With your gentle yet
strong hand pull down every wall. I give you permission to destroy me. I lay
down and give myself over to you to be completely devoured that I may be born
again.
Because life as I know it is unfamiliar but one thing that has always
remains steadfast and true is that love always rebuilds.
So Papa break me so I
can be rebuilt.
