Counting the Cost

I am amazed….no astounded…just utterly speechless and completely humbled. The Lord opened the windows of provision and poured them out in a way I’ve never seen.

My journey to Africa was amazing to see Him provide each and every step but He just showed off this time!

And to think I was so doubtful and anxious before I even made the decision to go and to think I almost shut the door to giving Him the pleasure of blessing me.

That’s how we should think of His goodness…as something He enjoys to do. We are His children..His beloveds..His favorite ones and He wants nothing more than to smile upon us and shower us with gifts. It’s like Christmas all the time with Him.

But for those thinking, “yeah right I’ve been waiting x amount of years for my breakthrough or gifts …why did you get what you needed in 5 days time?” That’s where process comes in. The back stage productions that no one sees. The endless hours toiling over whether my life is really worth giving up or could I live just being comfortable.

Now I see His hand moving, but that time He asked me to quit my career and sell my newly bought car, did I see His blessings then? Did I feel like His favorite? Not so much… and I wrestled with that for many months. If I gave up what He asked me to would it be worth it? I honestly wasn’t sure but He continued to work in my heart and break down those walls of distrust and fears of “not enough” and once I said yes I saw Him began to work.

It was then He removed my hands of control and things were so much easier. And shortly after arriving home from Africa and thinking, “ok now it’s time to get back into ‘life’”, He asks it of me again. “Leave everything behind and trust me again.” My thoughts went something like this: “Well God you did an awesome job with Africa and it was well worth it but sending me out again…already…with no money? Give me some time. I’m not ready for that yet.”

But the thing is no matter how much I tried to rationalize it He is worth the cost. When I count everything I have and everything I dream of (career, family, secure finances, my car) He’s worth so much more than that. He really is! My heart knew that and continued to speak louder than my carnal mind and once I said yes…even with a short deadline He came through once again and reminded me that yes he’s worth everything.

It keeps me humble. Knowing that my life isn’t for my own benefit and no matter what I do in life if He asks me to lay it down once He will ask me time and time again but it’s not my job to continuously try to pick it back up and control it. He will make a way whether I’m here or across the ocean.

And I’ve seen Him provide even in ‘real life’ as we say. Not only did He bring in finances for the trip to Ukraine but He always poured His favor out and I have a part time job working with children and making enough money to sustain myself. So when I let go of my career back in June 2013 he knew this job with the  same salary but less hours and stress was better for me. He just needed me to let go so he could show me how much he loves me and cares for me…down to the little details.

I don’t deserve the gifts the gives me. And if I had to quit 100 jobs and move from my family 100 times I would do it because He’s worth it. I’ve counted the cost and the price He paid so that I could be free and live in joy and abundance is so much greater than any materialistic dream.

His ways are higher than mine and I sit here today with tears rolling down my face and a heart that is singing so loud I’m sure the neighbors can hear, knowing that I am loved by a King who owns all the wealth of this world. I am the beloved daughter of a Father who only wants the best for His children. I am the bride of a Lover who takes pleasure in making me happy even in the smallest details. He really loves me….More than I’ll ever know and because of that love I choose to die to my selfish dreams and I will follow Him anywhere He leads me. I’ll do the impossible and I’ll go to the ends of the earth to share with others what I’m learning day by day….and it’s the simple fact that He loves us!

Why Ukraine?

After month two in Africa I had a familiar urge jolt me. The urge I’ve had in my heart for years…the desire to go to the Ukraine. So while in Africa I’m thinking, is it because I’m sweating and want to remember but “cold” feels like or is this God prompting me to finally pursue after this dream. I wasn’t sure but I worked up the courage to call a friend of mine who takes trips regularly to the Ukraine and I began to blabber over the phone about how I didn’t know what the Lord wanted me to do after Africa but I felt like I should go to Ukraine but I wasn’t sure if that was the Lord and if it was could I go with his team…and so on and poor thing just sat and listened to me try to make sense of what was bubbling up from my heart to my head. When I finally finished he simply said, “Come on.”

Ok easy enough.. that simplicity of following Daddy’s plans never made sense until that moment. We over think, overanalyze and scrutinize every thought that’s bigger than our minds can comprehend. And to me this was a “big dream”. For years I’ve had actual dreams about flying to the Ukraine or even being there with the teenagers ministering alongside them. Even in my blog entitled “50 Cents” at the end of that dream after I left the school and all my belongings I walked to a plane with Randy (Ukraine missionary) and was flying to the Ukraine with him. And that specific part of the dream has replayed in my mind countless nights.

So to get to Africa and feel that urgency come back up startled me because I deemed it impossible. I have tried before to go there and because of work scheduling it never worked out so I put it on the back burner under the category of “Some way, some how but not now”. So in Africa the job part isn’t an issue but thinking of going from Africa and then right back out in February seems impossible with limited finances so that doubt began to set in once again. 

And I’ve been home since December 12^th and I’ve wrestled with the doubt. Is it His will for me to go? What am I meant to learn from the people there? What is His purpose for me there? And in my mind the biggest question was…How will I ever pay for it?

I’ve seen Him miraculously provide for the Africa trip but making $1,500.00 appear in that short amount of time….ummm not quite sure!

So in all honesty I came home, mentioned it to a few people and then tried to forget about it but every time I let my heart speak out tears come to my eyes thinking of being there with those teenagers. And I know it’s His will. I know it’s His heart!

So here I am less than a week from a deadline and I’m putting myself out there. And I thought it was impossible over a month ago…but Daddy God wants to show how miraculous He is. His word proves over and over again that He is our provider and my life is a living testimony that financial miracles do happen and even I have been silenced by doubt and fear of not enough. But I refuse to live there any long. I’ve seen too much and experienced His goodness in such an overwhelming way He deserves all the faith I have within me!

So in faith I am believing that Jehovah Jireh will provide every cent left before January 15^th! I know He doesn’t work on deadlines He was just wanting for me to release it not only back to Him but publicly declare His plans for me. Not only to draw in supporters but to encourage someone who is reading this right now to know that doubt only silences God’s plans. Blind faith and trust bring forth the open windows of heaven to pour out so that every need will be met.

He is able and will provide!! Believe with me for every situation in your life. Whether financial or not…every need is met! You live in “more than enough”! Freely we give, freely we receive. So I give my life and plans to Him!

So why Ukraine…because Daddy told me to go! So He will provide and already has started using willing vessels to pour into this mission. I’ve already been overwhelmed by those who are easily and freely give to the dream Daddy placed inside of me but they understand a concept that was foreign to me for so long….when they sow into a God-given destiny of someone else THEY will reap the harvest. Their dreams and destinies will be revealed and accomplished simply by their obedience and every cent given will return 100 fold. More than enough financial blessings, favor and outrageous breakthrough on their lives because of their obedience! 

So I am still believing for $1,200.00 by January 15^th! That’s only 12 willing people giving $100.00 or 24 people giving $50.00…It can be done…I ask for your prayers not that the money would come in but that my heart would be open to what He has in store and the faith to believe in the “impossible”. There is a lesson to be learned and I want to walk away from this embracing the process and letting the reality of His supernatural provision be rooted deep in my heart so that I can share my story and speak provision over those I come in contact with.

He is more than enough….Ukraine here I come!!!!!

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