The point of no return.
I hear that phrase
ringing in my ear, echoing from my heart and screaming from my soul every minute
of every day.
So I finally stopped and said, “I hear you so
tell me what it means.”
This is a small
glimpse of the first step of a journey Papa is leading me on to find the answer
myself.
Webster defines the point of no return as “a critical point at which turning back or
reversal is not possible” Wikipedia goes on to say “one must continue on the
current course of action because turning back is physically impossible, prohibitively
expensive or dangerous”.
And I find myself
smack dab in the middle of that place they are describing.
I have reached my point of no return.
I’ve spent the last several months simply existing. Almost like
a robot. Living each day and seeing the sunshine but never feeling its warmth.
Seeing my amazing third graders smile but never hearing their laughter. I was numb.
A shell of who I remember myself to be. Things in life were amazing but I felt
like life was moving by and I was frozen in time. I couldn't wrap my head around
it so I just avoided the thought all together. I avoided life. I avoided decisions.
I avoided change. I avoided relationships. I avoided Papa.
Life was moving
without me so I decided to just let it happen.
If I watch, but don’t
fully engage there is no pressure, no responsibility, no emotions, and no pain.
That was where I sat for months. In the dugout as the game went on, and I was
ok with it because the fear of striking out was never an issue because I wasn't even on the roster.
But Papa had enough and brought me face to face with the very
thing I was trying my best to avoid:
Life. I had to hear some hard truths, and everything I missed out on in
those months was spread out before me, but instead of feeling guilt for missing
out or shame for avoiding him and everyone else who cared for me, I felt love.
A love that stings
and comforts all at the same time. A love that shatters walls yet gently pieces
my broken fragments back together. The love of the Father awakened me, the son,
again.
In my time of avoiding life I was avoiding me. I forgot who
I was in Him. A son, an heir, His pride and joy, His beloved one, the one He
sacrificed everything for. That’s me.
How could I so easily forget?
But He restored my memories. He opened my eyes to see my reflection
and it looked just like Him. I saw
His loving eyes staring back at me. I
could feel love, pain, happiness, and sadness running through my veins and it
amazed me. I was feeling again. My stone heart was slowly melting away.
So here I am slowly stepping back into my life. Slowly
stepping back into my identity as a “son”. Not that it ever left me I simply
avoided seeing it. So I should say, slowly stepping back in front of the mirror
of His face. Stepping back into intimacy with Papa because that is where I truly
find myself.
I’ve been through
this cycle before and He’s brought me back many times out of the shadows into the
light of His love but this time it’s different. This time the phrase “point of
no return” rings in my ears. And I see now that this is it …the last time I’m running around this mountain. I’m
saying goodbye to the cave I’ve called home. I’m burning the blinds I put over
the mirror of my heart to hide my reflection. I’m blockading the door to the
hole I put myself in to get away from life. It’s the point of no return.
I am moving into a
new season of living, becoming rooted, building dreams for a future, desires to have a career
I love (already have one), a family, a home, community.
My identity as a living, breathing “son” of a loving Papa
has revived itself today. No longer turning around and staring at the darkness
of avoidance. I am only looking forward to a future with Him that is already
surpassing even my most elaborate dreams.
Welcome back to life Ash. Welcome
home.
Out of Hiding - The Undoing
Now rid of the shackles, My
victory's yours
I tore the veil for you to
come close
There's no reason to stand
at a distance anymore
You're not far from home
I'll be your lighthouse
When you're lost at sea
And I will illuminate
Everything
No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me
Oh as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story…
