The Me I've Never Met

I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. Finally. I’ve hit rock bottom. 

It’s taken years of diets, self-hate, and even weight loss surgery to come to this point. My weight has yo-yoed all my life but I’ve never been at a healthy weight. I’ve always been overweight, obese, and unhappy.

I dress the part, I've heard the compliments, but inside, I never truly felt beautiful. In the last few years I've begun to accept and love myself just as I am. But in a way where I know who I am and what I am capable of, but as far as physically I am destined to be this size, feel this way, have these limitations forever. It’s just who I am.

But then I saw my sister rise from the bottom. She hit it before me. She always was the leader of the pack. So brave and courageous, so head strong and determined and over the last few months I've watched her change her life. Her habits. And I watched her with excitement, but also with jealousy knowing I couldn't do that... I had accepted myself just as I am. Why change now?

But then it happened one day I woke up and thought why can’t I change? Who said it was too late? The only thing holding me back is my own choices. My outside doesn't match my inside. The powerful and fierce lioness who is learning to love does not belong in a body that makes me feel slow, sluggish, limited.

I have been learning how to embrace myself, embrace love and really dive deep into the heart of God, but I have never given my physical self any attention. Physically, I’ve given up on myself and that is not balance. How can I say I’m growing in love when I don’t truly love myself? How can I become vulnerable and open my heart to other people when I can’t see past my own appearances? 

So I’ve made the choice and today I’m realizing I should voice that choice. Make it known to all of you that I, Ashley Floyd, am beginning to learn to love myself in the same capacity that Papa loves me with. It's time to appreciate myself. Honor myself. I deserve to be balanced. Completely healthy, happy and loved inside and out. 

Is it hard to change old habits? Heck yes! But each day it gets a little easier. And this time it’s not a fail or pass thing. I’m not dieting. I'm not losing weight for someone or setting a goal. I'm not worried about whether my pants fit right. The scale is not my worst enemy and it’s not my idol. I just want to be healthy.

Healthy enough to live a long life and leave a legacy. Healthy enough to play kickball with my students at recess. Healthy enough to travel and not be worried about lack or energy or my size. Healthy enough to one day have a family. To let others love me. All of me.

Healthy enough to embrace every day…to conquer every minute knowing I am loving myself more and more.

So with every ounce of water I drink, every Zumba class I shake my booty at J every weight I lift at the gym, and  every healthy food choice is another step towards loving me fully. Being completely balanced where my spiritual wholeness lines up with my physical. 

This is a journey, not a quick fix. I am in for the long haul. Ready to see what I’m truly capable of. Ready to meet the lioness I know is in me. One who is fierce, determined, strong, capable and healthy. She deserves to be seen, heard and loved by me. Watch out world…here she comes!\

Sleeping Beauty

Ever had the feeling you weren’t enough? Not quite ready. Not quite sufficient enough. Not quite strong enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Brave enough….just not enough.

Oh, these thoughts at one time were not only thoughts, but friends. I found comfort in them and they always reminded me to simply stick to what I know. Just get by. Never pushing. Never reaching too far. Never risking, exploring, or seeking more. They had me convinced it was for my own good because if I did venture out I would only meet failure. My life was full of failures, things I couldn’t complete. Couldn’t achieve. Couldn’t improve. Couldn’t change…I just couldn’t.

Day after day of watching so many others rise and here I was sitting in my safety net of insecurity knowing if I just stay here I can’t fail. That thought, that idea and that lethal perspective on life kept me in the backseat of my own life for many years….until.

Until I met hope. Hope saw me, the real me. And for the first time when my familiar friend said “Oh no, you can’t do that, what if you fall?” Hope said, “Oh, but darling, what if you fly?”

And that thought. That glistening spark called hope ignited courage. It ignited Papa’s love in me which in turn illuminated my soul. I began to see how much I truly possessed within myself. So much strength, beauty, compassion, courage, wisdom and love. All this time those things were hidden away and Papa was continuously cultivating them. Breathing life on them. Just as Sleeping Beauty slept once her finger pricked the spindle. The courageous spirit in me simply slept as my finger pricked the spindle of insecurity. As those things lay dormant in my soul, Papa carefully tended them and nurtured them waiting for the day when hope would come in and awaken me once again.

So many nights I would ask Papa to help me. Pull me out. Stop the thoughts, not realizing it would only take true love’s kiss to awaken the real me. So when hope came she gave me a gift…a mirror so that I could see inside myself and I realized I already possessed everything I saw in everyone else. Everything I longed for. Everything I thought I would never have.

Now hope is more than a word. Hope is the catalyst that reignited my very being. Hope awakened me like true love’s kiss awakened the sleeping princess. True love’s kiss was the realization that who I am is more than enough. I saw myself and I loved myself and that awakened me. That revived me. Love truly does cast out all fear. For when I saw what I possessed, my familiar friend couldn't dissuade me. I knew I was courageous, powerful, beautiful, competent...enough!

The day I met hope, the day I began to love myself again, life as I’d always known it completely changed. And here I am dancing with hope as I am reminded how strong and capable I am. How worthy I am to be loved and to love others. Hope has come and it is here to stay and life has never tasted sweeter.

Sleeping Beauties be awakened by the kiss of hope. I see you and who you are is enough!