Fog not Fear

Around 2 years ago, I had a dream and this dream seems to pop up when things shift in my life just as a reminder. This time around, with a life shift of this magnitude the image and message of this dream lovingly haunt me and remind my soul to calm down and drive! Read this and you’ll see what I mean!

The dream simply consists of me driving in my car on a wooden bridge on a very foggy morning. It is so foggy I can’t see past the hood of my car and frankly, I’m scared to death! As I’m driving (slowly), I see shadows on the side the bridge and when I pass them I see there are many abandoned vehicles all along the sides. So in my dream I stopped and asked the Lord why are there so many empty cars. He replied and said that each time an opportunity for change/growth/shifting/pruning/etc. came up in my life and I started this journey in my car and things got too scary or too unpredictable I simply stopped the car, got out and walked off the bridge. Basically saying I didn’t trust Him enough to stay in and see what was on the other side for me. I was chickening out before I even found out what was in store!

So that dream pops up again and again at random times throughout my day, just that image of me on that foggy bridge. I can see myself in my current situation and I’m still driving my car (white-knucklin’ it, going 5 miles an hour) and each abandoned car I pass pushes me farther. I can’t back down this time; I can’t walk away from this opportunity. I’ve wasted too many open doors and never entered because of fear. This time will be different! This life change for me has become so real and in my face the past few days because to sum it up in a nut shell all my ‘familiar’ is being stripped away and I’m faced with the raw, unknown, newness of life.

 Reality check #1:  I am slowly beginning the process of transitioning out as the music pastor at my church (my heart aches to think about leaving them!) 

Reality check #2: Tomorrow is my last day with my students and my classroom is already packed up!

Reality Check #3: Wednesday is my last official day as a teacher of Florence School District 3!

 Reality Check #4: Saturday, June 1^st is the day I can officially submit my application to the Harvest Ministry School in Pemba, Mozambique!

 Reality check #4: October is only 5 months away!

 So although my drive is foggy on this trip, the fog that I once feared I now welcome because it helps me to focus on the now and leave the “what’s next” in His hands. I can’t ‘drive’ through this life journey worrying if the bridge will turn and I’ll miss it or if there are holes that may slow me down, I have to continue to ‘drive’. Is there fear? Yes, but my soul is more secure than scared because of the God I serve and His promises that hold me steady.

 Not only that, but He has placed SO many mighty men and women of God in my life for this specific moment in my life to remind me to buckle up and hit the gas. I am blessed beyond measure because right now I feel so fickle at times, and each time my mind gets the best of me I receive an encouraging text or phone call, or I get a swift kick of the butt to keep moving from my special God-given friends who know me and know where I’m headed! So although everyday is a constant battle between mind and spirit, trying to make sense of things and make sure this is the right thing, I am bombarded to often with the good of what’s on the other side of that bridge and it cancels out all fear and doubt! No matter what goes down I’m not getting out the car and my friends are putting the child safety locks on the doors in case I do try to make any escape attempts J

 

So here’s to living in fog….not fear.

 I see where I am right now and trust He knows where I’m headed.

 Foggy drives of life take the pressure off of me to make things happen…and all I have to do is enjoy the ride!

Fifty Cents...not the rapper

Back in August of last year I had a very significant dream, and at the time it shook my core but I never thought that dream would become a reality.

That dream was the launching point for the desires of my heart to surface. Daddy God went beyond my own mind and bombarded me in my sleep by stirring up dormant dreams and calling out to a sleepy-eyed destiny that had been waiting to be awakened.

 Once a dream, now a reality:

In the dream, I was working at an elementary school but the odd thing was I was living there also. My co-workers and I would work during the school day and live in the dorms at night, and all our monies went towards buying supplies for our students and our classroom. Therefore, there was no life outside of the school. Everything we did, everyone we saw, everything we bought was tied into this place.

One night my co-workers and I were sitting around the table eating and a sweet friend of mine, walks in and says in her quiet and calm voice, “You all have 2 minutes to get out and then this school will be destroyed” and she looked at me and smiled. I was not smiling in the dream…I immediately began to panic. Everything I knew, owned, and worked for was in this building and it was about to be destroyed?!? So I ran to my classroom to gather up essentials and valuables, but my friend simply said, “You don’t time for that, it’s time to leave now.” I wanted to argue with her but when I looked down she had a grenade in her hand, and she pulled the pin and rolled it down the hallway. So I ran and helped everyone out and we made it to the schoolyard as the grenade went off. As I  was standing there watching the building and my life as I knew it go up in flames I was dumbfounded I had nothing to my name but the clothes on my back.

 

I was devastated to say the least. I was hysterically crying and looking at my friend wondering,” Why would you do this to me, I thought you cared about me.” But when I walked up to her to rant and rave she just smiled and said, “fifty cents”.

I had no idea what she was talking about and my heart was so broken, I was so scared and my mind was racing with thoughts of how I was going to survive now.

 

Then my friend Esme (the grenade thrower) and Randy (my Papa) were standing off in the distance just laughing and watching me fall apart. So I ran to them and said, “What now…What am I supposed to do and why is this funny?” Randy said, “Are you ready to go?” I respond, “I don’t have anything, no money, no clothes, and no car”. He says with a smile, “All you need is fifty cents.” And I reach into my pocket and I pulled out two quarters and he laughs and puts Him arm around me and says, “Let’s go!”

Now it’s May 2013. 9 months later and that dream that shook me has now become my reality. My life as I have always known is here and it’s not a bad place to be. Home is where the heart is, but sometimes destinies get restless, spirits churn, hearts awaken and life as we know it cannot suffice. So the sweet Holy Spirit in His comforting and loving way comes and blows up everything we know and then Daddy God is standing there waiting to take what I thought I lost and show me there is so much more for me.

 

 All I need is fifty cents.

Trust without borders

Starting this blog was the beautiful part. Continuing with it has been the disaster. Life has been a whirlwind the past few weeks and my heart shakes when I think of how quickly time is passing by. October seemed so far away and now it feels like it could be tomorrow. I spent so many years, months, weeks, and  days wishing time away hoping for tomorrow and now I’m asking God to slow it down. I don’t know if I’m ready.

But in that fear of the unknown is such beauty. The fearful beauty of the unknown. It takes the pressure off what I can or cannot do and leaves it in His strong and capable hands.

 

I’m free falling right now. As I see page after page turn in this chapter of my life I can this brand new chapter coming closer…quickly.

 Excited? Of course! Scared? Oh YES! It’s so funny how the Lord works and I see His hand moving even in the most intricate details of my day. When I started this process I was expecting beautiful disasters similar to milestones along my journey, but now I’m realizing when I asked Him to slow down time, He did, but in a different way. He slowed down my time, my focus and attention. Each and every moment of every day He is showing me Himself and teaching me new things, and I hope to continue reveling in the little things so I don’t miss the big picture.

 

This journey is not a destination for me it’s only the beginning and the last 26 years of my life have been preparing for this moment. I don’t know where it will end up or where it will take me but I’m learning to trust Him with every step.

 

The song Oceans by Hillsong United speaks perfectly to where I am. One particular part says “lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water wherever you will call me…” He is pushing me into a place where my trust has no end, no borders it will grow and swell in the depth of the unknown, because everything I know and have known will stay here and I will be moving forward with only my trust in Him to lead me.
 

Trust. Now that’s a beautiful disaster. The beauty is knowing that it’s not up to me to make things happen I simply must trust. However, it’s disastrous to my comfort zone and what I’m used to because trust knocks down every wall and forces me to walk wherever He may call me.  

 

Trust without borders…what a beautiful disaster.
Psalm 56:3- “But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in You”