A Room Full of Me

This event is one I had been anticipating, what I’d been longing for. Just to feel at home as one big happy family. Loving, fellowshipping, communing, reminiscing and creating new memories. I was beyond excited to be with everyone, but at the same time everything inside me was screaming because I knew once I was there, there would be no more hiding, no more lies, just truth, raw and uncut, just me.

Boy that’s scary…just you. All of you. Exposed. For all to see. Immediately thoughts begin to flood your mind, “What will they see when they look at me? Will they see that I am a disaster,and that I dropped the beautiful part a while ago?” From my perspective, my mess was no longer beautiful, it had become a monstrous burden that pulled me into the murky depths of untruth and self-pity.

I buried myself… completely covered in the lies that my out-of-control emotions told me were true. I believed everything circumstances told me were true. So the thought of walking into the room and seeing so many hearts made me sick to my stomach. Although I longed to see theirs I could only think, “Please don’t make me show mine.”

Let me love on them. Honor them. Encourage them. But that’s all. Let’s not talk about me. There are so many other people who need love and attention; “God please don’t send anyone my way”…but we all know how He works things out.

This weekend I met me, I thought she was dead or at most buried alive, barely breathing through the thickness of the circumstances and suffocating emotions she had been laying in for months.

I thought I found death. But in reality my death had only begun. This weekend I saw lies die. I saw every negative emotion shrivel up. It’s like watching a vampire come into the light. As the light of love began to shine in my heart every shadow of doubt, negative self-worth, lies about myself, and hurts from past situations withered away and death to the things that were already dead took place.

As those things shriveled I felt such pain, pain from losing the things I had grown accustomed to having. How twisted that I found comfort in the very things that were slowly strangling me. But all it took was a little light to completely demolish those things. It took you. It took Koinonia. Family. Truth. Love.

Throughout the weekend there were so many precious ones who smiled at me, embraced me, told me they loved me,and those who speak straight to my heart. One thing they all had in common was that they all said, “Thank you for being you.”

Whoa…wait a minute. I’m not me. I’m tangled in emotion. I have so much pain and hurt. I’m battling whether to let all this negativity and lies die or actually hold on to them. This isn’t me..This is a mess. What/who were they looking at? Where did they see me?

As hours passed and turned into days, I sat back and watched everyone else completely let go and open up, and others continued to pour so much love on me and I began to see I was me. I am me. All this time I’ve been me. Having the courage to walk through the doors knowing my sh*t would be exposed was me being me. Letting others in to love me when I didn’t feel like being loved was me being me. 

All of this was me. Me never died.

I saw how I live and breathe through each and every one of you. Every experience, every word spoken was for me. You knew me. When you saw the Lord and shared what you saw it was as though you were watching him and me together. I saw myself in everyone. I know we’ve said that before that we are connected and it takes all of us together to be complete, but this weekend I experienced it.

Arsen brought truth and death to lies and he did it for me. He opened my eyes to life. Mark’s experience of seeing Daddy’s eyes was for me. He saw me as a flashing light.  Leslie, Dawn, and Diane were interceding for the land and they did it for me. I had allowed so many weeds to overtake the very land meant for the father’s love. They plowed through my land for me. Lauren and others sang songs of love and true, deep intimacy for me. They did it so I could walk in and be intimate with Papa. So many mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers loved on each other for me. They did it so I could see love and honor in a tangible form. I couldn’t see past my S-H-I-T and I didn’t know I had enough left to do it myself, so you did it for me. I truly lived and breathed in each and every one of you. I was with you. And you were with me. For me. Like my ventilator breathing life back into my weary air stricken lungs.

You are why I’m alive. No wonder you said you saw me. Because in me, you saw yourself. There was no denying I was there. A room full of me. Seeking life.  Seeking love. Letting light in. Letting lies die. Letting honor heal. Letting love lead.

You, my sweet Koinonia. Thank you for being you. For being me, because I didn't know how to see myself nor did I want to. And in this beautiful disaster called life I met love, life, death, and myself in you and through you.

Koinonia- A room full of me

The Me I've Never Met

I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. Finally. I’ve hit rock bottom. 

It’s taken years of diets, self-hate, and even weight loss surgery to come to this point. My weight has yo-yoed all my life but I’ve never been at a healthy weight. I’ve always been overweight, obese, and unhappy.

I dress the part, I've heard the compliments, but inside, I never truly felt beautiful. In the last few years I've begun to accept and love myself just as I am. But in a way where I know who I am and what I am capable of, but as far as physically I am destined to be this size, feel this way, have these limitations forever. It’s just who I am.

But then I saw my sister rise from the bottom. She hit it before me. She always was the leader of the pack. So brave and courageous, so head strong and determined and over the last few months I've watched her change her life. Her habits. And I watched her with excitement, but also with jealousy knowing I couldn't do that... I had accepted myself just as I am. Why change now?

But then it happened one day I woke up and thought why can’t I change? Who said it was too late? The only thing holding me back is my own choices. My outside doesn't match my inside. The powerful and fierce lioness who is learning to love does not belong in a body that makes me feel slow, sluggish, limited.

I have been learning how to embrace myself, embrace love and really dive deep into the heart of God, but I have never given my physical self any attention. Physically, I’ve given up on myself and that is not balance. How can I say I’m growing in love when I don’t truly love myself? How can I become vulnerable and open my heart to other people when I can’t see past my own appearances? 

So I’ve made the choice and today I’m realizing I should voice that choice. Make it known to all of you that I, Ashley Floyd, am beginning to learn to love myself in the same capacity that Papa loves me with. It's time to appreciate myself. Honor myself. I deserve to be balanced. Completely healthy, happy and loved inside and out. 

Is it hard to change old habits? Heck yes! But each day it gets a little easier. And this time it’s not a fail or pass thing. I’m not dieting. I'm not losing weight for someone or setting a goal. I'm not worried about whether my pants fit right. The scale is not my worst enemy and it’s not my idol. I just want to be healthy.

Healthy enough to live a long life and leave a legacy. Healthy enough to play kickball with my students at recess. Healthy enough to travel and not be worried about lack or energy or my size. Healthy enough to one day have a family. To let others love me. All of me.

Healthy enough to embrace every day…to conquer every minute knowing I am loving myself more and more.

So with every ounce of water I drink, every Zumba class I shake my booty at J every weight I lift at the gym, and  every healthy food choice is another step towards loving me fully. Being completely balanced where my spiritual wholeness lines up with my physical. 

This is a journey, not a quick fix. I am in for the long haul. Ready to see what I’m truly capable of. Ready to meet the lioness I know is in me. One who is fierce, determined, strong, capable and healthy. She deserves to be seen, heard and loved by me. Watch out world…here she comes!\

Sleeping Beauty

Ever had the feeling you weren’t enough? Not quite ready. Not quite sufficient enough. Not quite strong enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Brave enough….just not enough.

Oh, these thoughts at one time were not only thoughts, but friends. I found comfort in them and they always reminded me to simply stick to what I know. Just get by. Never pushing. Never reaching too far. Never risking, exploring, or seeking more. They had me convinced it was for my own good because if I did venture out I would only meet failure. My life was full of failures, things I couldn’t complete. Couldn’t achieve. Couldn’t improve. Couldn’t change…I just couldn’t.

Day after day of watching so many others rise and here I was sitting in my safety net of insecurity knowing if I just stay here I can’t fail. That thought, that idea and that lethal perspective on life kept me in the backseat of my own life for many years….until.

Until I met hope. Hope saw me, the real me. And for the first time when my familiar friend said “Oh no, you can’t do that, what if you fall?” Hope said, “Oh, but darling, what if you fly?”

And that thought. That glistening spark called hope ignited courage. It ignited Papa’s love in me which in turn illuminated my soul. I began to see how much I truly possessed within myself. So much strength, beauty, compassion, courage, wisdom and love. All this time those things were hidden away and Papa was continuously cultivating them. Breathing life on them. Just as Sleeping Beauty slept once her finger pricked the spindle. The courageous spirit in me simply slept as my finger pricked the spindle of insecurity. As those things lay dormant in my soul, Papa carefully tended them and nurtured them waiting for the day when hope would come in and awaken me once again.

So many nights I would ask Papa to help me. Pull me out. Stop the thoughts, not realizing it would only take true love’s kiss to awaken the real me. So when hope came she gave me a gift…a mirror so that I could see inside myself and I realized I already possessed everything I saw in everyone else. Everything I longed for. Everything I thought I would never have.

Now hope is more than a word. Hope is the catalyst that reignited my very being. Hope awakened me like true love’s kiss awakened the sleeping princess. True love’s kiss was the realization that who I am is more than enough. I saw myself and I loved myself and that awakened me. That revived me. Love truly does cast out all fear. For when I saw what I possessed, my familiar friend couldn't dissuade me. I knew I was courageous, powerful, beautiful, competent...enough!

The day I met hope, the day I began to love myself again, life as I’d always known it completely changed. And here I am dancing with hope as I am reminded how strong and capable I am. How worthy I am to be loved and to love others. Hope has come and it is here to stay and life has never tasted sweeter.

Sleeping Beauties be awakened by the kiss of hope. I see you and who you are is enough!

Come Abide.

Come son, come daughter. Come abide here with me. 

Now is the time to relay the foundation built on unconditional love. For so many years brick were mortared and held together by pride and lack of identity. Each brick of fear, rejection, incapability and incompetence was laid. You built the very walls that have confined you. You create, settled in, and built a home in a field meant for tents. 

Now time, change, process, healing, peace, and love have violently shaken and destroyed every brick. And here you stand feeling naked, vulnerable, exposed, unsure, lost, and perhaps even angry.

Come son, come daughter, come abide here with me.

There are no walls between us, I see all of you and all I see is beauty. My beloved creation. My strong and great one. Oh how I wish you could see it! But the beautiful part of this disaster is now you can. The walls are no longer there to misconstrue your perspective. When you speak your words will not bounce back to you as an echo. I can hear you. Your voice is heard.

You found comfort in darkness and you hid every light from within so there would be no shadows, no fear. So without these walls now there is nothing but light. No corners to hide in. No shadows lurking. Only light. Flowing from you. Flowing from me. We reflect one another and the beauty of the intertwining of our souls astounds me. 

Come son, come daughter, come abide here with me.

Now you feel homeless, helpless, not sure what lies ahead. Let’s rebuild together. Fill every space with love, light, wisdom and peace. May every wall be built, not to guard you from things coming in but to create a space for you to come out. In this space, this new place we are building together. I want all of you to pour out. Not so I can contain you, but so that who you are will saturate every corner of this place. 

This place called home. This place we are building together, known as my heart. 

As we build and as you grow I will let who you are simply pour out of me. You will see through my eyes the power you possess. You will see things change.

Who you are is what they need. Who you are is what completes me. Who you are makes my heart home. So come son, come daughter, Come abide here with me. Come home. Be home. Create the walls of love so that others can find refuge in it. Those who have no home. May they come and abide with us.

 The funny thing about you and me and intimacy is that it draws others in. Intimacy will pull others in to abide with us. Being intimate with me, completely vulnerable and open isn’t about you and I sharing, it’s about beckoning others to come in.

Funny isn’t it? You thought building your own space and living in isolation was what intimacy was all about. But intimacy is about relationships. It’s about opening up all of you to all of me. And me is everyone you meet. Me is a fluid concept. Me is them. The English language can’t contain the “I am” the “me”. But you will see, in this new home, there you will abide with me. All of me. All of me, loves all of you. 

So come son, come daughter, Abide here with me. Abide here with us.
We are waiting for all of you. You are what we need. Come.

WHO Koinonia and the Velveteen Rabbit

The essence of Koinonia brings forth the real you.

This weekend during the WHO Koinonia conference I came face to face with the true and authentic ME.

However it came in a way I never expected. I saw myself through the embraces, affections, words, smiles, and faces of every person there. I could see myself in them, through them, I felt myself become real with every hug and every ‘I love you’.  As others released themselves I saw more of me.

 So becoming me really has nothing to do with me, it comes through Koinonia. We are complete in each other. It’s not an isolated journey; and for so long I looked inward trying to see myself, walking down a path alone looking for intimacy and authenticity and all the while missing the one ingredient that draws me out, family….Koinonia.

I was lying in bed this morning still suffering from the WHO Koinonia hangover :) and thought of the old story of the Velveteen rabbit. So I began to look up excerpts of the story as I remembered how the rabbit wanted to be real. He saw the other toys and wondered how they became real so he asked the Skin horse that question…..”How do I become real?” and the response broke me.

Who knew that a simple children’s story could be so profound and revelatory to my life, how can one excerpt sum up my whole Koinonia experience?

Because it’s true. Becoming real takes love. It wears you down. It hurts but only little by little. Becoming real is uncomfortable enough to keep us moving but not so uncomfortable that we run from it. This weekend I broke myself open in a deeper way. Papa came in like a wrecking ball and opened me up to others. That’s where I found the real me. Every heart connection that was made, every hug broke another rib so that Papa could get to that stony heart of mine and massage it back to life.

It was something I couldn’t control. Every fiber of my being wanted to honor every person I came in contact with. My arms couldn’t be stopped, I had to hug them. My words couldn’t be held back, I had to tell them how much I loved them, and surprisingly I meant it. I felt love so deep I couldn’t fathom it.

That love for my family still resonates and seems to get stronger each day, and as scary as is it…it’s spreading. My arms are stretching forth to those I deemed unlovable. My heart is breaking open in front of those I said I couldn’t trust. My words of love are being poured out to those I said didn’t listen and didn’t care. It’s not my job to inquire if someone is worthy of love, I can’t help but love. I am Koinonia. It flows through my veins. Everyone I see is a part of me. I need them to be complete.

Sunday morning as the guitarists were playing I felt as if I were in a trance, the music was alive. The melodies seemed to paint a picture and I could feel love dancing to the rhythm of the music. Love became. Love was real.. Love took form. Koinonia danced that morning.

I sat there in awe, my heart bursting its seams and I asked Papa to show me himself. I opened my eyes and looked around and every person I looked at was covered in prisms, their skin was glimmering and when I looked closer every inch of skin was covered with eyes… Papa’s eyes. As strange as it looked I couldn’t help but look at each person and see myself. We see ourselves in the reflections of His eyes of fiery love and each person there was covered by His eyes so no matter where I looked I saw myself. I saw myself in them, on them, they literally made up who I was. Their DNA reflected who I am!  I saw the real me in every person there. All I could do was stare, cry, and look to each person with such honor and gratitude. Most people had no idea the impact they had on my life this weekend by just being there. By just being present I was able to see my reflection and see every facet of who I was. And as it was said this weekend, without each one of them a facet of who I am would be missing. Koinonia would not have been complete.

So from my heart I say thank you for those who came. You complete me.

I am changed simply because you came.

And now that I am real, completely changed by the wear and tear of love, I can’t turn back. I can’t become unreal again, it lasts for always.

Point of No Return

The point of no return.

I hear that phrase ringing in my ear, echoing from my heart and screaming from my soul every minute of every day.

 So I finally stopped and said, “I hear you so tell me what it means.”

This is a small glimpse of the first step of a journey Papa is leading me on to find the answer myself.

Webster defines the point of no return as  “a critical point at which turning back or reversal is not possible” Wikipedia goes on to say “one must continue on the current course of action because turning back is physically impossible, prohibitively expensive or dangerous”.

And I find myself smack dab in the middle of that place they are describing.

 I have reached my point of no return.

I’ve spent the last several months simply existing. Almost like a robot. Living each day and seeing the sunshine but never feeling its warmth. Seeing my amazing third graders smile but never hearing their laughter. I was numb. A shell of who I remember myself to be. Things in life were amazing but I felt like life was moving by and I was frozen in time. I couldn't wrap my head around it so I just avoided the thought all together. I avoided life. I avoided decisions. I avoided change. I avoided relationships. I avoided Papa.

Life was moving without me so I decided to just let it happen.

 If I watch, but don’t fully engage there is no pressure, no responsibility, no emotions, and no pain. That was where I sat for months. In the dugout as the game went on, and I was ok with it because the fear of striking out was never an issue because I wasn't even on the roster.

But Papa had enough and brought me face to face with the very thing I was trying my best to avoid: Life. I had to hear some hard truths, and everything I missed out on in those months was spread out before me, but instead of feeling guilt for missing out or shame for avoiding him and everyone else who cared for me, I felt love.

 A love that stings and comforts all at the same time. A love that shatters walls yet gently pieces my broken fragments back together. The love of the Father awakened me, the son, again.

In my time of avoiding life I was avoiding me. I forgot who I was in Him. A son, an heir, His pride and joy, His beloved one, the one He sacrificed everything for. That’s me.

How could I so easily forget?

But He restored my memories. He opened my eyes to see my reflection and it looked just like Him. I saw His loving eyes staring back at me.  I could feel love, pain, happiness, and sadness running through my veins and it amazed me. I was feeling again. My stone heart was slowly melting away.

So here I am slowly stepping back into my life. Slowly stepping back into my identity as a “son”. Not that it ever left me I simply avoided seeing it. So I should say, slowly stepping back in front of the mirror of His face. Stepping back into intimacy with Papa because that is where I truly find myself. 

 I’ve been through this cycle before and He’s brought me back many times out of the shadows into the light of His love but this time it’s different. This time the phrase “point of no return” rings in my ears. And I see now that this is it …the last time I’m running around this mountain. I’m saying goodbye to the cave I’ve called home. I’m burning the blinds I put over the mirror of my heart to hide my reflection. I’m blockading the door to the hole I put myself in to get away from life. It’s the point of no return.

I am moving into a new season of living, becoming rooted, building  dreams for a future, desires to have a career I love (already have one), a family, a home, community.

My identity as a living, breathing “son” of a loving Papa has revived itself today. No longer turning around and staring at the darkness of avoidance. I am only looking forward to a future with Him that is already surpassing even my most elaborate dreams.

Welcome back to life Ash. Welcome home.

Out of Hiding - The Undoing

Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours

I tore the veil for you to come close

There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore

You're not far from home

I'll be your lighthouse

When you're lost at sea

And I will illuminate

Everything

No need to be frightened

By intimacy

No, just throw off your fear

And come running to Me

Oh as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story…

Out of Hiding Song

A Living Contradiction

I am the new third grade teacher at Walker Gamble Elementary...starting in August! 

Wow!! …never thought I would read that and it be about me! For those who know me I always said I would never teach third grade AND for those who follow my blog it was only a few months ago I quit my teaching career to pursue full time missions…so here I am.. a living contradiction! Let me explain why this excites me!

Coming home from Africa I was completely bewildered…my thoughts were: “Lord you sent me all the way to Africa to tell me to go home and spread your love…really?!?!” My idea of mission work was completely demolished, I came to realize my ministry is wherever I am. Whether in be in a classroom, at home with friends, in Africa, in Ukraine or any other place He sends me. That’s what I didn’t realize…I am called to spread his love to all nations and build His family right here…wherever here is! 

So after Africa I went to Ukraine and you can read the other post and get the jist on that experience, but in a nutshell He once again confirmed, "yes I’m calling you to be home and to learn to love and create a family unit, to create Koinonia and it happens wherever you are". So as soon as I arrived home from Ukraine an amazing job found me…. that’s right it found me,  I was sitting on my couch and I received a call from a principal asking if I wanted part time work for the remainder of the school year..heck yes! And it was the most amazing experience. I worked part time as an assistant in all 5 third grade classrooms at WGE. I worked alongside the teachers and worked individually with most of the students and my heart towards third grade was completely changed. In all honesty, third graders intimidated me J I loved my baby kindergarteners so how in the world could I handle these budding pre teens?  But Papa knew they would captivate my heart, and the teacher and administrators treated me like one of them. I felt like I was home and I was so overwhelmed and honored that He allowed me to be apart of something so special. And He didn’t stop there.... another open door came TO ME and I had the opportunity and still am working alongside some amazing ladies at a boutique in my home town and they took me with NO retail experience and worked with me and taught me the ropes of retail and it has been an amazing experience and I sit here and type all this out my eyes are filling up thinking how good Papa is. I couldn’t have asked for a better job much less two amazing jobs! 

This last season has been such a learning experience and my heart overflows with gratefulness because I don’t deserve to have this much fun and feel so loved at WORK! Work was always a trap for me. Something that caused stress and kept me from traveling but in reality I was my own trap. My mind had trapped me into thinking that what I was doing wasn’t ministry, that my work was just work and I was compartmentalizing myself. I was a teacher, then I was a missionary, a friend, a sister, I had myself thinking I could never be all me, all the time. I never realized home and love are who I am…it’s where I abide. I believed so many lies and really allowed myself to forget my passion for teaching, I grew to despise it. However this last job at WGE reminded me why I went thru four grueling years of college and it reminded me of all the times I would sit in my room when I was 8 years old and teach my stuffed animals about math and teach my dog how to read. I allowed myself to forget those things and in these last few months Papa brought it all back. 

So as I am learning what it looks like to actually live a full life where I can work and have joy, peace, and love and feel at home, not trapped, an opportunity…a very rare opportunity opens up in the third grade at WGE. It is rare for teachers to leave this particular district because it is so tight-knit and truly feels like family and it just so happened (all apart of His plan) one of the third grade teachers was leaving so I applied, not thinking I had the job because I know there are so many other qualified teachers waiting to be interviewed and honestly I didn’t think I deserved it. However…my thoughts are not His thoughts and His ways are SOOOO much bigger and higher than mine…so I applied, I interviewed and two days ago I received the call saying I got the job! Tears ran down my face because this has been Papa’s plan all along. Every step of going to Africa, Ukraine, the part time work all to bring me to this point where I’m home. This is home, this is destiny, this is exactly where He wants me and I can live and enjoy this season with peace and joy! I am amazed at Papa’s goodness….and so excited about this next step. I want to steward it well, I want to be the very best teacher to my beautiful third graders. I want to share the love He’s poured out on me and be home to the children He entrusts me with. And missions is where I am…. whether in a classroom or a third world country. That doesn’t change my heart and passion it only fuels it. So here I am running into my next chapter…. with excitement…. I’m home!