Lost in Love

I feel lost. I feel disconnected. I feel useless. I feel unproductive.

I have ‘worked’ so hard to be someone God is proud of. I did my best in college and graduated with honors. I went on to teach and gave it all I had to ensure my babies had a good education and felt loved. I gave my all in my worship so that He would be pleased, but what I’m realizing is God could care less  about my efforts He simply wants my attention.

He doesn’t care about what I do, He cares about who I am. So the disconnect comes in my fleshly idea of what love is and His heart felt truth about real, pure and holy love. Love that goes beyond performance or actions and instead is a way of living as real as breathing and just as necessary.

I forgot He doesn’t think the same way I do. So now that all my ‘works’ are being stripped from me it’s hard for me to believe that He is not only pleased with me but willing to use me.

 So I sit here and contemplate this newfound truth that my works are nothing. And I say newfound because yes I’ve heard it thousands of times but my heart and mind have battled with it and it’s now that I realize how much I leaned on my efforts, talents, and abilities to define me. And now that I am not ‘doing’ anything I have to question whether my identity has been affected negatively. Or is that I haven’t truly gotten to know my Daddy God nor do I know who He thinks I am and therefore I’ve lived in my works instead of  truly knowing who I am.

 Good news though…I can start now. It’s time to find Ashley. It’s time to see who I am aside from teaching, singing, being a daughter, sister, friend…what do I look like, who am I and how does He see me. That’s my current quest. I’m beginning yet another journey into His depth. I want to know more about God and His personality not just what others say He is. I want to know Him one on one and in that I will find myself.  I am not lost. I am wandering into his heart discovering myself.

It is exciting but the battle continues as He so gently reminds me that works don’t make Him happy I do.

Finding myself and being happy with it makes Him happy. If I never sing another song or play another key or if I never step into a classroom again I am loved and He is pleased with me.

That’s hard truth for my performance-minded self to accept but I take that challenge to find out what unconditional love consists of, but this conditional, based-on-works, ‘I’ll do if you do’ love hasn’t fulfilled me it’s left me feeling lost.

So no longer am I lost in works, I’m lost in my discovery of love.