Counting the Cost

I am amazed….no astounded…just utterly speechless and completely humbled. The Lord opened the windows of provision and poured them out in a way I’ve never seen.

My journey to Africa was amazing to see Him provide each and every step but He just showed off this time!

And to think I was so doubtful and anxious before I even made the decision to go and to think I almost shut the door to giving Him the pleasure of blessing me.

That’s how we should think of His goodness…as something He enjoys to do. We are His children..His beloveds..His favorite ones and He wants nothing more than to smile upon us and shower us with gifts. It’s like Christmas all the time with Him.

But for those thinking, “yeah right I’ve been waiting x amount of years for my breakthrough or gifts …why did you get what you needed in 5 days time?” That’s where process comes in. The back stage productions that no one sees. The endless hours toiling over whether my life is really worth giving up or could I live just being comfortable.

Now I see His hand moving, but that time He asked me to quit my career and sell my newly bought car, did I see His blessings then? Did I feel like His favorite? Not so much… and I wrestled with that for many months. If I gave up what He asked me to would it be worth it? I honestly wasn’t sure but He continued to work in my heart and break down those walls of distrust and fears of “not enough” and once I said yes I saw Him began to work.

It was then He removed my hands of control and things were so much easier. And shortly after arriving home from Africa and thinking, “ok now it’s time to get back into ‘life’”, He asks it of me again. “Leave everything behind and trust me again.” My thoughts went something like this: “Well God you did an awesome job with Africa and it was well worth it but sending me out again…already…with no money? Give me some time. I’m not ready for that yet.”

But the thing is no matter how much I tried to rationalize it He is worth the cost. When I count everything I have and everything I dream of (career, family, secure finances, my car) He’s worth so much more than that. He really is! My heart knew that and continued to speak louder than my carnal mind and once I said yes…even with a short deadline He came through once again and reminded me that yes he’s worth everything.

It keeps me humble. Knowing that my life isn’t for my own benefit and no matter what I do in life if He asks me to lay it down once He will ask me time and time again but it’s not my job to continuously try to pick it back up and control it. He will make a way whether I’m here or across the ocean.

And I’ve seen Him provide even in ‘real life’ as we say. Not only did He bring in finances for the trip to Ukraine but He always poured His favor out and I have a part time job working with children and making enough money to sustain myself. So when I let go of my career back in June 2013 he knew this job with the  same salary but less hours and stress was better for me. He just needed me to let go so he could show me how much he loves me and cares for me…down to the little details.

I don’t deserve the gifts the gives me. And if I had to quit 100 jobs and move from my family 100 times I would do it because He’s worth it. I’ve counted the cost and the price He paid so that I could be free and live in joy and abundance is so much greater than any materialistic dream.

His ways are higher than mine and I sit here today with tears rolling down my face and a heart that is singing so loud I’m sure the neighbors can hear, knowing that I am loved by a King who owns all the wealth of this world. I am the beloved daughter of a Father who only wants the best for His children. I am the bride of a Lover who takes pleasure in making me happy even in the smallest details. He really loves me….More than I’ll ever know and because of that love I choose to die to my selfish dreams and I will follow Him anywhere He leads me. I’ll do the impossible and I’ll go to the ends of the earth to share with others what I’m learning day by day….and it’s the simple fact that He loves us!