Point of No Return

The point of no return.

I hear that phrase ringing in my ear, echoing from my heart and screaming from my soul every minute of every day.

 So I finally stopped and said, “I hear you so tell me what it means.”

This is a small glimpse of the first step of a journey Papa is leading me on to find the answer myself.

Webster defines the point of no return as  “a critical point at which turning back or reversal is not possible” Wikipedia goes on to say “one must continue on the current course of action because turning back is physically impossible, prohibitively expensive or dangerous”.

And I find myself smack dab in the middle of that place they are describing.

 I have reached my point of no return.

I’ve spent the last several months simply existing. Almost like a robot. Living each day and seeing the sunshine but never feeling its warmth. Seeing my amazing third graders smile but never hearing their laughter. I was numb. A shell of who I remember myself to be. Things in life were amazing but I felt like life was moving by and I was frozen in time. I couldn't wrap my head around it so I just avoided the thought all together. I avoided life. I avoided decisions. I avoided change. I avoided relationships. I avoided Papa.

Life was moving without me so I decided to just let it happen.

 If I watch, but don’t fully engage there is no pressure, no responsibility, no emotions, and no pain. That was where I sat for months. In the dugout as the game went on, and I was ok with it because the fear of striking out was never an issue because I wasn't even on the roster.

But Papa had enough and brought me face to face with the very thing I was trying my best to avoid: Life. I had to hear some hard truths, and everything I missed out on in those months was spread out before me, but instead of feeling guilt for missing out or shame for avoiding him and everyone else who cared for me, I felt love.

 A love that stings and comforts all at the same time. A love that shatters walls yet gently pieces my broken fragments back together. The love of the Father awakened me, the son, again.

In my time of avoiding life I was avoiding me. I forgot who I was in Him. A son, an heir, His pride and joy, His beloved one, the one He sacrificed everything for. That’s me.

How could I so easily forget?

But He restored my memories. He opened my eyes to see my reflection and it looked just like Him. I saw His loving eyes staring back at me.  I could feel love, pain, happiness, and sadness running through my veins and it amazed me. I was feeling again. My stone heart was slowly melting away.

So here I am slowly stepping back into my life. Slowly stepping back into my identity as a “son”. Not that it ever left me I simply avoided seeing it. So I should say, slowly stepping back in front of the mirror of His face. Stepping back into intimacy with Papa because that is where I truly find myself. 

 I’ve been through this cycle before and He’s brought me back many times out of the shadows into the light of His love but this time it’s different. This time the phrase “point of no return” rings in my ears. And I see now that this is it …the last time I’m running around this mountain. I’m saying goodbye to the cave I’ve called home. I’m burning the blinds I put over the mirror of my heart to hide my reflection. I’m blockading the door to the hole I put myself in to get away from life. It’s the point of no return.

I am moving into a new season of living, becoming rooted, building  dreams for a future, desires to have a career I love (already have one), a family, a home, community.

My identity as a living, breathing “son” of a loving Papa has revived itself today. No longer turning around and staring at the darkness of avoidance. I am only looking forward to a future with Him that is already surpassing even my most elaborate dreams.

Welcome back to life Ash. Welcome home.

Out of Hiding - The Undoing

Now rid of the shackles, My victory's yours

I tore the veil for you to come close

There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore

You're not far from home

I'll be your lighthouse

When you're lost at sea

And I will illuminate

Everything

No need to be frightened

By intimacy

No, just throw off your fear

And come running to Me

Oh as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story…

Out of Hiding Song