The Me I've Never Met

I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. Finally. I’ve hit rock bottom. 

It’s taken years of diets, self-hate, and even weight loss surgery to come to this point. My weight has yo-yoed all my life but I’ve never been at a healthy weight. I’ve always been overweight, obese, and unhappy.

I dress the part, I've heard the compliments, but inside, I never truly felt beautiful. In the last few years I've begun to accept and love myself just as I am. But in a way where I know who I am and what I am capable of, but as far as physically I am destined to be this size, feel this way, have these limitations forever. It’s just who I am.

But then I saw my sister rise from the bottom. She hit it before me. She always was the leader of the pack. So brave and courageous, so head strong and determined and over the last few months I've watched her change her life. Her habits. And I watched her with excitement, but also with jealousy knowing I couldn't do that... I had accepted myself just as I am. Why change now?

But then it happened one day I woke up and thought why can’t I change? Who said it was too late? The only thing holding me back is my own choices. My outside doesn't match my inside. The powerful and fierce lioness who is learning to love does not belong in a body that makes me feel slow, sluggish, limited.

I have been learning how to embrace myself, embrace love and really dive deep into the heart of God, but I have never given my physical self any attention. Physically, I’ve given up on myself and that is not balance. How can I say I’m growing in love when I don’t truly love myself? How can I become vulnerable and open my heart to other people when I can’t see past my own appearances? 

So I’ve made the choice and today I’m realizing I should voice that choice. Make it known to all of you that I, Ashley Floyd, am beginning to learn to love myself in the same capacity that Papa loves me with. It's time to appreciate myself. Honor myself. I deserve to be balanced. Completely healthy, happy and loved inside and out. 

Is it hard to change old habits? Heck yes! But each day it gets a little easier. And this time it’s not a fail or pass thing. I’m not dieting. I'm not losing weight for someone or setting a goal. I'm not worried about whether my pants fit right. The scale is not my worst enemy and it’s not my idol. I just want to be healthy.

Healthy enough to live a long life and leave a legacy. Healthy enough to play kickball with my students at recess. Healthy enough to travel and not be worried about lack or energy or my size. Healthy enough to one day have a family. To let others love me. All of me.

Healthy enough to embrace every day…to conquer every minute knowing I am loving myself more and more.

So with every ounce of water I drink, every Zumba class I shake my booty at J every weight I lift at the gym, and  every healthy food choice is another step towards loving me fully. Being completely balanced where my spiritual wholeness lines up with my physical. 

This is a journey, not a quick fix. I am in for the long haul. Ready to see what I’m truly capable of. Ready to meet the lioness I know is in me. One who is fierce, determined, strong, capable and healthy. She deserves to be seen, heard and loved by me. Watch out world…here she comes!\