A Room Full of Me

This event is one I had been anticipating, what I’d been longing for. Just to feel at home as one big happy family. Loving, fellowshipping, communing, reminiscing and creating new memories. I was beyond excited to be with everyone, but at the same time everything inside me was screaming because I knew once I was there, there would be no more hiding, no more lies, just truth, raw and uncut, just me.

Boy that’s scary…just you. All of you. Exposed. For all to see. Immediately thoughts begin to flood your mind, “What will they see when they look at me? Will they see that I am a disaster,and that I dropped the beautiful part a while ago?” From my perspective, my mess was no longer beautiful, it had become a monstrous burden that pulled me into the murky depths of untruth and self-pity.

I buried myself… completely covered in the lies that my out-of-control emotions told me were true. I believed everything circumstances told me were true. So the thought of walking into the room and seeing so many hearts made me sick to my stomach. Although I longed to see theirs I could only think, “Please don’t make me show mine.”

Let me love on them. Honor them. Encourage them. But that’s all. Let’s not talk about me. There are so many other people who need love and attention; “God please don’t send anyone my way”…but we all know how He works things out.

This weekend I met me, I thought she was dead or at most buried alive, barely breathing through the thickness of the circumstances and suffocating emotions she had been laying in for months.

I thought I found death. But in reality my death had only begun. This weekend I saw lies die. I saw every negative emotion shrivel up. It’s like watching a vampire come into the light. As the light of love began to shine in my heart every shadow of doubt, negative self-worth, lies about myself, and hurts from past situations withered away and death to the things that were already dead took place.

As those things shriveled I felt such pain, pain from losing the things I had grown accustomed to having. How twisted that I found comfort in the very things that were slowly strangling me. But all it took was a little light to completely demolish those things. It took you. It took Koinonia. Family. Truth. Love.

Throughout the weekend there were so many precious ones who smiled at me, embraced me, told me they loved me,and those who speak straight to my heart. One thing they all had in common was that they all said, “Thank you for being you.”

Whoa…wait a minute. I’m not me. I’m tangled in emotion. I have so much pain and hurt. I’m battling whether to let all this negativity and lies die or actually hold on to them. This isn’t me..This is a mess. What/who were they looking at? Where did they see me?

As hours passed and turned into days, I sat back and watched everyone else completely let go and open up, and others continued to pour so much love on me and I began to see I was me. I am me. All this time I’ve been me. Having the courage to walk through the doors knowing my sh*t would be exposed was me being me. Letting others in to love me when I didn’t feel like being loved was me being me. 

All of this was me. Me never died.

I saw how I live and breathe through each and every one of you. Every experience, every word spoken was for me. You knew me. When you saw the Lord and shared what you saw it was as though you were watching him and me together. I saw myself in everyone. I know we’ve said that before that we are connected and it takes all of us together to be complete, but this weekend I experienced it.

Arsen brought truth and death to lies and he did it for me. He opened my eyes to life. Mark’s experience of seeing Daddy’s eyes was for me. He saw me as a flashing light.  Leslie, Dawn, and Diane were interceding for the land and they did it for me. I had allowed so many weeds to overtake the very land meant for the father’s love. They plowed through my land for me. Lauren and others sang songs of love and true, deep intimacy for me. They did it so I could walk in and be intimate with Papa. So many mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers loved on each other for me. They did it so I could see love and honor in a tangible form. I couldn’t see past my S-H-I-T and I didn’t know I had enough left to do it myself, so you did it for me. I truly lived and breathed in each and every one of you. I was with you. And you were with me. For me. Like my ventilator breathing life back into my weary air stricken lungs.

You are why I’m alive. No wonder you said you saw me. Because in me, you saw yourself. There was no denying I was there. A room full of me. Seeking life.  Seeking love. Letting light in. Letting lies die. Letting honor heal. Letting love lead.

You, my sweet Koinonia. Thank you for being you. For being me, because I didn't know how to see myself nor did I want to. And in this beautiful disaster called life I met love, life, death, and myself in you and through you.

Koinonia- A room full of me